When You Feel That Your Father Is Your Enemy
An old Egyptian maxim says that children are more like their time than their parents. This capsule of wisdom summarizes all the complexities of that fundamental relationship between a father and his daughters and sons.
The relationship with the mother is sometimes conflictive and difficult, but in most cases there is a component of unconditional love in her. It is an affection that retains something instinctive, natural. On the other hand, the relationship with the father turns out to be much more ambivalent. He is both a protective and threatening figure. In traditional families it is usually the voice that says the last word in terms of boundaries.
In the new forms of family, it can be one of those beings that is conspicuous by its absence, or the eternal rival of the mother. In a few cases he is father and mother at the same time. And there is no shortage of sad realities in which the father is a source of abuse, in its many forms.
The origins of the bond with the father
With the father we live a series of contradictions throughout life. The first is in our own origin: he is our mother’s husband and this has different effects and meanings for each of us.
Between the father and the mother are distributed, consciously and unconsciously, the place that each of them will occupy in the lives of their children. It is a complex warp of decisions that depend on many factors and that are not always successful.
Most mothers declare, without saying so, this reality: I cannot alone with this child. This is where a father comes in to play. It is he who must complete that triangular relationship that gives solid support to the existence of human beings.
But sometimes, mothers do not accept that alone they will not be able to. On the contrary: they want to be the only support for their children. To be everything to them and that the children are everything to themselves. The only way to do this is by excluding the father. It also happens that the father is blind and deaf to that demand to occupy a place in the lives of his children. He refuses to take part in an affair of which he is already a part. He wants to be a void, a no place for his children.
And the case of the father who wishes to be everything for the mother and the children could not be absent. It is the type of parent who tries to annul the existence of the mother and make the children a simple extension of himself.
Enmity with the father
Different types of conflicts between the children and the mother also arise from the different forms of relationship between the father and the mother. The traditional father ends up becoming only a disciplinary figure. His role is to set limits here and there, as a kind of judge of last resort. If the mother acts accordingly, there are no major sources of confusion.
But if the mother assumes the role of the “opposite side”, things get complicated. She ends up being permissive and too lax, while he ends up either becoming more or less a tyrant so as not to lose his place, or annulling himself to avoid conflict.
The enmity between the mother and the father ends up being prolonged in the children, who are forced to choose a side and act accordingly. This is how they are filled with rage and guilt that in the strict sense do not belong to them.
Abusive parents also require a permissive mother. She herself can behave like the daughter, and not like the wife, of that man. And no other adult comes into play who limits their excesses. This type of parent creates terror during childhood and, most of the time, a strong stream of anger during adolescence.
Their authority stems from their own whims or fears and not from a healthy desire to educate their children within reasonable limits. That is why its authority is severely questioned and undone when the child becomes an adult.
The consequences
Sons and daughters will feel that confronting an arbitrary father is a way of showing solidarity with their mother and showing their love for her. But without a consistent parent, children can also end up being tyrannical and abusive in relationships with others, or eternally victimized.
When resentment and anger take over the relationship with the father, people go through life with strong doubts about where the limits of their actions lie . There will be difficulties to recognize your own value and great fears to overcome, before achieving any achievement.
In conclusion, when you feel that your father is your enemy, surely what is in the background is a cluster of relationship problems between him and your mother. Therefore, if it is about overcoming this situation, it is best to learn to differentiate which of these conflicts really concern you, and which of them simply have nothing to do with you.
In any case, it is always healthy to learn to accept that real father, and to forget the ideal that we hold in our thinking of how our father should be, since with everything and his mistakes he has given us the greatest gift of all: life.
Images courtesy of Dave Taylor, Claudia Tremblay, E. Kils
