When You Get “cold ” People Value Who You Were Before

In the end, almost without knowing how, that day comes when you turn cold. The heart hardens and admits less ambiguity, becomes cautious and less delusional about certain things. However, those around us do not fully understand this change. That’s when the “magic” happens: others begin to value the person you were before.

Whoever says that people do not change is wrong. Human beings do not vary their behaviors or their personality style from one day to the next like someone snapping their fingers. The process of change is something more intimate, slow and even stark, because rather than change, we grow. Something like this can only be achieved by being fully aware of our limitations and black holes.

On this our complex journey through life, going cold is by no means a defeat. It is a simple defense mechanism. Because existence does not only imply facing day-to-day complications, it is essential that we are able to build our own survival processes.

 We suggest you reflect on it with us.

The cold heart and the absence of the little things

Jeffrey Kottler is one of the best known popularizers in the psychology of the change process. With books like “ he teaches us something essential. Is the next:

• People change out of necessity and to survive more effectively.

Now, there is a detail that is still really interesting. For example, when we go for a while without seeing a person and when we meet again, we may perceive something different. Faced with this change in his attitude, we ask ourselves the question of “but what happened to him?”

• As Dr. Kottler points out, people don’t make huge transformations overnight. Nor is it necessary that we experience specific events of great impact to change.
• The rumor of the day to day is enough for us, the daily life of small disappointments, words said or not said, absences, continuous resignations and giving everything without receiving anything.

They are small specks of sand that little by little create authentic emotional deserts, promoting in turn a change with a clear need: to start prioritizing oneself to survive. Thus, and as curious as it may seem, this is actually a completely normal process.

Studies such as the one carried out at Colgate University, Hamilton, New York, indicate that within the development of the personality, changes are not only expected, but necessary. It is a way of adjusting to our true personality.

Defend ourselves from the selfishness that haunts us

The cold heart is the mind that has grown tired of waiting. It is our self-esteem raising the alarm and self-concept going out the emergency door in search of a solution. Being a little cooler is the temporary response to life’s dissonances. It is putting red lines so that self-love sprouts again.

Now, it is most likely that those closest to us perceive this change and wonder what happens and for what reason  we are no longer those caring and manageable creatures of before. 

It is also possible that far from understanding this change, they feel annoyed at not finding that lock in our hearts where before, they opened all our doors to satisfy their selfishness. This transformation also allows us to delve into various aspects that we will point out below.

Things the cold heart has learned

The person with a slightly colder heart – who is not dead, neither barren nor dull – has understood that things cannot always be as one wishes. You have to accept them as they are and act accordingly.

• We also know that life is sometimes not fair and that people are not always loyal or respectful. Hence, we should avoid focusing our existence on what others do or do not do to validate ourselves. Something like that involves sacrificing our self-love.

• Every disappointment experienced, every blackmail experienced and every stored emptiness has made the “twitter” of negative thoughts go on very often in our minds. Now, after having reached calm and seen things from the window of a slightly colder heart, we understand that there are only two options: stick to our own negativity or disinfect it.  We opt for the latter.

Sometimes everything that fades and dies inside us suddenly brings us back to reality. A slightly colder and more prudent heart looks at things with more temperance, to decide what stays and what goes out of our lives, and believe it or not there is nothing wrong with it. Because to change is to grow and gain in dignity.

A natural process by which light finally passes through our scars. And you … when do you get cold?