Avoidant Personality In Affective Relationships: How To Deal With It?

Have you ever had a partner who seemed very interested in you, but with whom it was impossible to have a firm and healthy commitment? Distrustful, insecure, instantly cold, resentful most of the time and poor managers of the emotional universe … The avoidant personality in affective relationships constitutes a form of suffering for which we are not always prepared.

It is true that who else and who less can demonstrate a certain insecurity in relational matters. However, when we meet someone with a clearly elusive, distrustful and even hypervigilant behavior, we may be facing a personality disorder. These are undoubtedly situations of great impact and wear, both for the person himself and for the environment.

They are figures that do not validate feelings, that raise walls and destroy alliances. Furthermore, in the face of any problem or difficulty during the relationship, the answer they will always give is distancing. That coldness in behavior and affections traces a type of highly painful experiences. Thus, and as striking as it may seem, this type of characteristic affects between 3 and 5% of the population. We delve into it.

Avoidant personality characteristics in affective relationships

If you are looking for a partner with whom you can establish a good emotional connection and also with whom to team up to grow together for the future, it is better not to commit to someone who shows this profile. The avoidant personality in affective relationships can be adjusted to someone who is very independent, who does not seek to establish a great attachment or a very significant connection.

Obviously, the latter is rarely feasible or desirable. Because if there is something that we long for from every couple, it is that committed, affectionate, enriching alliance that gives happiness. However, someone with avoidant personality disorder finds it very difficult to develop healthy relationships. What’s more, they are the typical figures that play “now I love you now I don’t want you, now I need you, now I want to put distance” . And something like that, as we well know, is maddening.

Let’s see, however, what characteristics define the avoidant personality in affective relationships.

How to identify the avoidant partner?

When we speak of a person with avoidant behavior, we are not only describing someone who avoids us. It is a more complex condition that generally defines a psychiatric entity: avoidant personality disorder, described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

In this way, studies such as those carried out at the University of Berlin indicate that we are dealing with people with marked anxiety, social inhibition, indecision, feelings of inadequacy and hypersensitivity … They are also very stable traits that often have a genetic basis. All of this has a great impact at a relational level:

• They are overly concerned about being rejected. This makes them suspicious and very susceptible.
• They feel hurt very easily, to the point that the other person does not know how to act so as not to hurt the other.
• They never finish committing or open completely in feelings, affections and wills to share an authentic intimacy.
• They do not like new or unexpected situations. So it can be difficult, for example, for them to take the step to meet the couple’s family. Also to carry out activities other than routine ones.
• They take no chances. So they will rarely do anything really brave or meaningful for their partner.
• They do not know how to reach agreements, any discrepancy between the couple is processed as a threat and they distance themselves.
• They do not validate emotions. If the other person expresses their feelings to them, they will rarely express theirs.

How to handle these relationships marked by avoidance?

The avoidant personality in affective relationships causes suffering. It is an evidence. Now, does this mean that what we should do immediately is get away?

The truth is that it is always good to give that person a chance. We can do it through a clear strategy. If we are aware that after these demands there is no progress and the coexistence is unhappy, then yes, we will make a decision.

Let us understand therefore, what dimensions we can carry out to deal with the avoidant personality.

Ask him to seek specialized help

One thing we need to know about the avoidant personality is that, in many cases, they may be dealing with a traumatic childhood, depression, and anxiety. It is important that the person take the step to seek specialized help.

Something that undoubtedly defines these figures is suffering, hypervigilance, emotional insecurity, fear of being criticized, rejected … Psychological help will allow them to reach a state to feel better about themselves. Because when someone feels good about their own being, they are able to establish healthier emotional relationships.

Make it clear that such behavior has consequences

Avoidant behavior and “today I need you and tomorrow I’ll walk away” is not legal in a relationship . It is important that the other person is clear that their behavior creates voids. Doubts, mistrust, emotional distance and that emotional mismanagement hurts and no one should tolerate that suffering. It is important to clarify to the other that this behavior will generate a break.

If you want to safeguard that affective relationship, you need to act differently. If they show us changes in behavior, wills and commitments, that bond will have possibilities.

Now, we must also be clear about one aspect. We all have a limit. If the only thing we get from that complicated relationship is a distressing homelessness, it is better to put some distance. However, keep in mind that it is best to first encourage you to seek the help of an expert. Change may be possible.