The Simple Exercise Proposed By A.Ellis To Get Rid Of Shame

Shame is an emotion that is activated every time we think that we have broken a social norm. It fulfills a powerful function of social regulation: thanks to it, we have ensured for millions of years the acceptance of the group and consequently, our survival.

There are times when we have to face a situation that poses a risk for us because we know that it is very likely that we will be ashamed. Are we going to be rejected by the social group? Probably not, but we mistakenly think so and also add the label of terrible to this unlikely event.

There are two ways to get rid of dysfunctional shame: one is to convince ourselves, through self-talk, that we have no evidence to anticipate disapproval from our environment, and if we do, we don’t need everyone’s acceptance either. The other is to risk embarrassment and do it voluntarily. In this sense, the cognitive psychologist Albert Ellis designed a series of exercises aimed at achieving unconditional self-acceptance.

Albert Ellis’s Attack on Shame Exercises

What Albert Ellis wanted to achieve through these exercises is that the person who carried them realized that personal value is unalterable. Regardless of how we are or how we act, our value will always remain the same.

If we value ourselves – and also others – starting from the fact of being, of having an existence, it will be very difficult for us to deprive ourselves of being ourselves. In this way  we will not be so in need of social approval, which will make us more authentic people.

In general, we have been taught to feel shame whenever we do something that society has labeled as reprehensible. When we experience that shame, we are actually telling ourselves that we are despicable beings, that we will never know how to act in any other way, that no one will love us and an endless number of irrational and bitter inner phrases that the only thing that manages to do is sink us.

To prevent this from happening, Ellis proposes that we think of something that in the framework of our culture may seem ridiculous  in a way that does not precisely contribute to improving our image. You already have it? Once you have thought about it and it is possible to put it into practice, without thinking twice, you have to take action and do it.

The worst thing that can happen is to get rejections from others, but let’s think about it carefully , has rejection killed someone? What does it mean that the other does not approve of me as I am? Who has the problem, the other one or me?

Some exercises that Albert Ellis shows us as an example are walking a banana down the street as if it were our pet. It would be about talking to him, caressing him, pulling him with a rope …

Another exercise is to stop someone on the street and tell them that you just got out of the madhouse and that you would like to know what year we are in. We can also choose to bring out our best voice and sing in the street that song that we like so much or go dressed in an extravagant way.

Whatever you choose, it has to be something that really triggers your shame. It is not worth something that does not really give you that feeling. The idea is that you learn to tolerate it and to relativize what is going to happen.

You may be surprised …

Surely you are thinking: “I would not do this in life, they would call me crazy!” … and you may be right, but the surprising thing is that not many people will do it. We tend to mount non-existent catastrophes in the form of whirlpools of thought. Thus, we come to believe that everyone will reject us, that we will never be approved, that it will be terrible, that the rejection of others will undoubtedly mean that we are worms, etc.

It is true that some people will look at us in a negative way and others will even insult us, but if we look closely, they are usually people whose face denotes dissatisfaction, sadness … That is, they are already wrong with life, it has nothing to do with you.

However, other people – most – will laugh with us, some will even join our little show and not judge us harshly. We can even make new friends.

Let’s not forget that after all others are people too. They also screw up and sometimes make a fool of themselves, make mistakes, rectify, feel emotions, etc. If they judge you, it will only be their problem, never yours. As long as you don’t harm anyone, you are free to act as you please. Can you think of a good exercise to attack your shame? Do you dare to do it?