When Emotions Make You Say Things You Regret

It has happened to all of us. Sometimes emotions make you say things that you regret. Almost without realizing it, you put out expressions, words and phrases that are loaded with contempt, with that momentary anger that transforms you into someone you are not. And indeed, many of those things that we end up saying without thinking hurt and even have unintended consequences.

As Daniel Goleman points out, we often neglect how fast the emotional brain is relative to our rational part. Without good control and regulation skills, we can act like three-year-olds. What is striking is that these dynamics occur too frequently in almost any setting: at work, in family ties and in relationships.

We all know that we are much more than that negative valence emotion that dominates us at a specific moment. No one is your anger, no one is your momentary frustration or occasional disappointment. However, the simple fact of letting ourselves be carried away by that state and directing all that emotional energy on someone always has consequences …

Why do emotions make you say things you regret?

It is often said that the so-called “kings of drama” are the ones who are most often carried away by their emotions and who, after all, end up expressing more than one unfortunate phrase out loud. It’s true. However, we cannot ignore those who are used to making use of aggressive communication, clear examples of poor emotional regulation.

Now , we are not wrong in pointing out that we have all experienced this situation on our own. When emotions make you say things you don’t feel, you become someone you hate. This is so because what you express hurts your environment, because you cannot speak assertively and that limitation, that lack of control, damages the self-concept.

What can we do in these disabling situations?

Understand: This is why you act this way

According to a study conducted at Emory University (Atlanta) and published in the journal Biological Psychiatry,  the amygdala is what modulates emotional behavior. It is enough to feel an experience of anger, frustration, fear or alert to react instinctively and emotionally.

This sequestration of the amygdala is so intense that it hinders the activity of many of those executive functions such as analysis, reflection, calm or decision-making.

Unregulated emotions overwhelm us. Thus, when we usually speak without thinking and express ourselves without reflecting, it is the negative valence emotions that control us. They do it through great psychophysiological tension.

Therefore, when we feel that unpleasant experience, let’s give ourselves a quiet time. Let’s switch activities for a few minutes. Let’s separate ourselves from that stressful or annoying situation for a certain moment. Sometimes it takes ten minutes to see things from another lens.

Become aware to act better

When emotions make you say things you regret, according to Stanford University psychologist Dr. James Gross, you are skipping three steps on the emotional regulation scale. To understand it better: according to this expert, the control of emotions must follow four stages that would define the “modal model”.

First, and according to the phases of this theory, we make contact with a stimulus, then we interpret it, we give it a meaning and, finally, we regulate that emotion to act in the best way. Now, when we speak without thinking, we skip all the steps and get carried away directly by emotion. We do not think, we do not interpret or regulate any psychophysical state.

When it comes to acting in a more appropriate way in each situation, always start from emotional awareness. In life no one is on the right track if he only limits himself to reacting to everything that happens to him. Action-reaction makes us act only on impulse. Consciousness and reflection must be integrated into this scheme.

Before speaking, think about it. Before giving voice to your emotions, become aware of them -> “right now I feel anger and I am angry, I accept these emotions, I understand them, but I choose not to let myself be carried away by them. I must reflect and act assertively to handle this situation as well as possible ”.

-Daniel Goleman-

When emotions make you say things you regret, you should improve your Emotional Intelligence

When emotions make you say things you regret, you stop being you. You become someone you don’t like, and few things are so disabling. Being a slave to what you feel and not being able to act as you want leads you to situations you do not want. You lose friendships, you hurt whoever you love and you show a side of yourself that reveals incompetence in terms of emotional intelligence.

One way to have greater emotional control and to communicate better is by enhancing emotional intelligence. Regulation and self-awareness outlined above are part of this subject. However, there are a number of elements that we should also keep in mind:

• Once you become aware of your emotions and choose to exercise control over them, think of a solution. Being assertive is the best strategy to use skillful and respectful communication. 
• If you want to improve your self-image and the quality of your relationships, you cannot impulsively voice your emotions. Refuse to be a slave to your anger, fear, frustration, or anger.
• Explosive emotions require discipline and high self-control in handling. Be demanding with yourself and learn to regulate them, transform them so that they allow you to speak and act more correctly.

To conclude, these processes, these crafts of the emotional universes have long been in their domain. However, with an adequate commitment to change, we will be able to make good and necessary progress.