When We Are Bad We Don’t Always Need Advice

When we go through a difficult time we do not always need advice. Now, as curious as it may seem, in those times when one goes through adversity in any of its forms, what we receive most from others are recommendations on the next steps to follow. It is clear that there are those who do it with all the good intention; however, it is not always the right thing to do: what the other needs.

As the saying goes, the act of giving support is an art that not everyone produces. This craft is as delicate as it is unique; As JRR Tolkien said , advice is a dangerous gift, even if a wise person gives it to another wise person, because it will most likely end up malfunctioning. But… for what reason? Why, when a person experiences an unfortunate vital moment, is it not advisable (in all cases) to tell him what to do?

Today we know that unsolicited advice rarely works. Thus, one aspect that we should understand as soon as possible is the difference between informational support and emotional support.

• The first is the least useful of all, that is, it would be the one where one is limited to offering possible solutions and a large battery of advice. It’s like spamming (offering unsolicited information and advertising).
• The second, the one referring to emotional support, undoubtedly configures the most correct and useful strategy. It is one where we confer aspects such as active listening, empathy, closeness and understanding; the one where there is no room for judgments and even less for those standard advice that neither helps nor feels good.

Let’s delve into the subject.

We don’t always need advice, but giving it is inevitable

As the saying goes, “I give advice that I don’t have . ” It is inevitable, we are tempted to lead other people’s lives when we see someone going through a difficulty. As a rule, doing so doesn’t say anything bad about us; On the contrary, we do it because we care about the other and because the understandable need to “rescue”, to render help is awakened in us.

Most of us have fallen into that trap at some time, but the worst thing is that there are those who make this dynamic their way of life. There are those who love to find people who are having a hard time taking on the position of conductor. They do it not out of an altruistic act or out of sincere concern for the other, but to reinforce their ego.

Indeed, people do not always need advice, but there is no shortage of those who come forward in giving it for free. However … why are these tips not helpful despite the fact that they are sometimes offered with the best of intentions?

Reactance, the urge to do the opposite of what they tell us

A dimension that defines the human being above all is his need for freedom, capacity for action and reaction. So one reason we don’t always need advice is because they somehow veto our own decisions.

That is to say, sometimes it is enough for someone to tell us what we should do so that a spring instantly jumps in our brain, one that whispers that of “now I’ll do the opposite. ” This mechanism is called cognitive reactance.

Therefore, the most advisable thing in these cases is to avoid telling the other person what they should or should not do. The ideal is to remind you that you can count on our support for whatever you want and need. As simple as that.

Your advice is useless if you don’t wear my shoes

When we are bad, we do not always need advice; instead we always need understanding, closeness and above all, empathy. Now, whoever is trained in the art of advice, in recommendations and “what you should do is …”  what he is applying is an absolute lack of empathy.

The reason? One does not always fully understand the reality of the other. None of us wear the shoes of those who suffer, we do not know for everything that has happened, we do not understand what they feel and what hurts them.

Daring to give advice is like entering someone else’s house without permission and moving objects around. Furthermore, sometimes advice also makes the person feel judged and that is the least helpful.

If someone is having a hard time … what can we do?

When we are bad we do not always want advice. So … what do we really need? These would be some keys to reflect on.

• We don’t want people to spam us . I mean, bombard us with free advice. Something like this does not work and is disrespectful.
• We appreciate the silence. When we are having a hard time, we appreciate a calm space where we feel accompanied. Moreover, sometimes we are not even prepared to speak and hence, it is very appropriate to have someone around who respects our times, our silences and needs.

• Likewise, when we go through a bad time it is vital to have a person capable of listening to us authentically. Something like this requires empathy and implies, in turn, that judgments, evaluations and the desire to advise are put aside.

In short, giving advice is not recommended in all cases. Now, in case someone asks us or we see fit to do so, let’s remember the words of Samuel Taylor Coleridge : “Good advice should be like snow: soft, imperceptible and light, only then will it sink into the mind of the other with greater depth ”.